Enjoying a brisk stroll from the Recycling Centre, along the bank of the River Avon, it struck me; I've grown up. Maturity crept up on me whilst I was still laughing at knob gags.
Rolo yoghurts are too sweet and sickly, I prefer dark chocolate to milk chocolate, and I'd prefer a Roast Dinner to almost anything else you could offer me. In fact, given the option, I'd take the main course over the dessert on most occasions.
Food puberty is not all I've endured. Landscapes now hold inherent beauty, walking is pleasurable rather than a chore, while Terminator, Goldeneye and Die Hard are no longer good films.
Not only that, but I'm reading literature by Nietszche, listening to Elgar and have a vague awareness of Politics (although I still didn't vote, on the basis that they didn't make it effortless enough for me).
I find Television irritating and noisy, and have little to no knowledge of the music in the charts. A lot of my clothes are dark green or brown.
All this has happened by the age of 20. What is there left to do? Should I grab some Werther's Originals, a copy of The Times and a pair of tartan slippers; wave goodbye to youth and vitality?
Having said that, I'm still partial to running around fields, scaling foliage and I haven't watched the News in quite some time. Also seeing breasts in films is still a surprise. So perhaps it's not all over yet.
Saturday 6 June 2009
Wednesday 22 April 2009
It's a Butane-ful day....
Life has never smelled so sweet. My senses are alive again; the fresh smell of olive oil mixes with the odour of a dusty and damp old house, creating an unlikely fusion upon a backdrop of traffic noises and screaming kids. Yes, it feels good to be alive.
But it is only after the storm that this calm can be found.
Today, the storm was turbulent, a force so strong that grown men would weep in blind panic, and women would cast their children to fall prey to the whim of its figurative gusts of wind.
The knob broke off my Gas Cooker. Whilst the Gas was on.
If Death has a face, it is in the shape of a stiff "D-like" valve. Try as I might, bending forks, and fashioning crude pliers out of knives, I could not prise that shaft to the 'off' position. By this point, I had set the hob on fire, not wishing to succumb to gas suffocation. But each moment the hob remained on, money was haemorraging from that gas valve, and I was finding myself increasingly out of pocket (especially since it turned out that certain members of my household decided it was my privelege to provide them with their utitilities). In a state of disarray, I threw my hands up heavenwards and probed "Why has thou forsaken me? Also, how can I turn off this wretched appliance?".
It was then that I was struck with inspiration from beyond human knowledge. There are 3 other fully functioning knobs on this cooker. Use one of them. My get out clause. My lifeline. (For those of you without the flexibility of mind to connect the dots here, I took one of the Knobs that wasn't broken and put it on the shaft where the broken Knob incident occurred, thus fixing the problem.)
And so it was that on April 22nd, 2009, Death came knocking, ever so quietly, on the door of 12 Highland Road, Bath. To my fortune, some wanker has my front door key, so neither Death incarnate, nor the EDF energy man can enter this premises, no matter how persistent their knocking.
But it is only after the storm that this calm can be found.
Today, the storm was turbulent, a force so strong that grown men would weep in blind panic, and women would cast their children to fall prey to the whim of its figurative gusts of wind.
The knob broke off my Gas Cooker. Whilst the Gas was on.
If Death has a face, it is in the shape of a stiff "D-like" valve. Try as I might, bending forks, and fashioning crude pliers out of knives, I could not prise that shaft to the 'off' position. By this point, I had set the hob on fire, not wishing to succumb to gas suffocation. But each moment the hob remained on, money was haemorraging from that gas valve, and I was finding myself increasingly out of pocket (especially since it turned out that certain members of my household decided it was my privelege to provide them with their utitilities). In a state of disarray, I threw my hands up heavenwards and probed "Why has thou forsaken me? Also, how can I turn off this wretched appliance?".
It was then that I was struck with inspiration from beyond human knowledge. There are 3 other fully functioning knobs on this cooker. Use one of them. My get out clause. My lifeline. (For those of you without the flexibility of mind to connect the dots here, I took one of the Knobs that wasn't broken and put it on the shaft where the broken Knob incident occurred, thus fixing the problem.)
And so it was that on April 22nd, 2009, Death came knocking, ever so quietly, on the door of 12 Highland Road, Bath. To my fortune, some wanker has my front door key, so neither Death incarnate, nor the EDF energy man can enter this premises, no matter how persistent their knocking.
Sunday 22 March 2009
Jade Goody 1981 - 2009
Only the good die young. It's a phrase that has become all too familiar with the passage of time, with countless of our greatest pioneers being plucked from existence far before their time. And here is the latest, one of England's great ambassadors for peace, truth and beauty.
In her short time walking this cruel sphere, she spoke out against injustice wherever she saw it, selflessly promoting tolerance between cultures, and always making efforts to bridge gaps between people the world over. When she wasn't flying the flag for a better world, she was creating didactical material to further both the mental and physical aspects of human nature, that even after her passing, we will still continue to learn from.
Who could deny the impact this wonderful lady had on our world, and who could say what she had left to achieve, if in 27 short years she achieved so much? Certainly comparable to Princess Diana were her efforts, and no less tragic was her death. A deficit encroaches on this world, a gaping absence that will remain for time immemorial.
And so we must thank both Jackie Goody (Jade's Mum) and Endemol, for bringing this beacon of light into our otherwise bleak and ever darker world. We can only imagine as Jade's spirit is guided towards the gates, God's face will shine; "This is my child, with whom I am best pleased". Sometimes a spirit shines so brightly that perhaps it's not meant to be contained on this earth, and maybe, just maybe, it was destined to belong with heavenly creatures.
Onwards then Jade, and upwards too; towards the final curtain you now fly. Onwards to continue your thankless commission, your selfless servitude and relentless toil. Fern Britton sings (the fat lady).
In her short time walking this cruel sphere, she spoke out against injustice wherever she saw it, selflessly promoting tolerance between cultures, and always making efforts to bridge gaps between people the world over. When she wasn't flying the flag for a better world, she was creating didactical material to further both the mental and physical aspects of human nature, that even after her passing, we will still continue to learn from.
Who could deny the impact this wonderful lady had on our world, and who could say what she had left to achieve, if in 27 short years she achieved so much? Certainly comparable to Princess Diana were her efforts, and no less tragic was her death. A deficit encroaches on this world, a gaping absence that will remain for time immemorial.
And so we must thank both Jackie Goody (Jade's Mum) and Endemol, for bringing this beacon of light into our otherwise bleak and ever darker world. We can only imagine as Jade's spirit is guided towards the gates, God's face will shine; "This is my child, with whom I am best pleased". Sometimes a spirit shines so brightly that perhaps it's not meant to be contained on this earth, and maybe, just maybe, it was destined to belong with heavenly creatures.
Onwards then Jade, and upwards too; towards the final curtain you now fly. Onwards to continue your thankless commission, your selfless servitude and relentless toil. Fern Britton sings (the fat lady).
Saturday 21 March 2009
Do you know how to touch a girl?
It's not what you're thinking.
The time is 11:31 PM, and I'm waiting for the England vs Scotland penultimate fixture of the Six Nations tournament to be uploaded to the BBC iPlayer. I watched the Ireland vs Wales fixture in realtime; exciting and tense stuff. Great television.
Meanwhile, I've happened across a little-known american RnB singer, Jojo. You might remember her from such hits as "Leave (Get Out)" and "Too Little, Too Late". Those of you who know me might know that part of my eclectic but fairly focussed and ignorant music taste includes some RnB artists. Jojo is one of these.
Here's why:
Do You Know How To Touch A Girl?
If You Want Me So Much
First I Have To Know
Are You Thoughtful And Kind?
Do You Care What's On My Mind?
Or Am I Just For Show?
You'll Go Far In This World
If You Know How To Touch A Girl
Inspired lyrics there, like so many RnB artists on the scene.
So, Jojo, if you're reading, I'm thoughtful and kind, I care what's on your mind, and I probably know how to touch a girl. And I can play guitar. So if you're interested, hit me up with an email or something.
The time is 11:31 PM, and I'm waiting for the England vs Scotland penultimate fixture of the Six Nations tournament to be uploaded to the BBC iPlayer. I watched the Ireland vs Wales fixture in realtime; exciting and tense stuff. Great television.
Meanwhile, I've happened across a little-known american RnB singer, Jojo. You might remember her from such hits as "Leave (Get Out)" and "Too Little, Too Late". Those of you who know me might know that part of my eclectic but fairly focussed and ignorant music taste includes some RnB artists. Jojo is one of these.
Here's why:
Do You Know How To Touch A Girl?
If You Want Me So Much
First I Have To Know
Are You Thoughtful And Kind?
Do You Care What's On My Mind?
Or Am I Just For Show?
You'll Go Far In This World
If You Know How To Touch A Girl
Inspired lyrics there, like so many RnB artists on the scene.
So, Jojo, if you're reading, I'm thoughtful and kind, I care what's on your mind, and I probably know how to touch a girl. And I can play guitar. So if you're interested, hit me up with an email or something.
Tuesday 17 March 2009
The sun has got his...
act together. I hope it is sunny again tomorrow.
Spotify has also proved its value once again. Using the Radio function I had two hits in a row. If I Were a Boy - Beyonce, followed by Ooh Baby - Tommy Tucker. Although I must say I prefered Beyonce's hit, Tommy Tucker certainly shows perhaps artwork, although still using the same ideas and themes, is not what it once was.
If I Had a Boy?
Spotify has also proved its value once again. Using the Radio function I had two hits in a row. If I Were a Boy - Beyonce, followed by Ooh Baby - Tommy Tucker. Although I must say I prefered Beyonce's hit, Tommy Tucker certainly shows perhaps artwork, although still using the same ideas and themes, is not what it once was.
If I Had a Boy?
Friday 6 March 2009
What a load of Bank...
I may have been too hasty in my analysis and cutting satire of the current economic crisis (below). As it turns out, my assets (very little) are accruing a piss-trickle of interest. And here's where it gets interesting. I have an account with NatWest, and in that account is a sum of money to the sum of just over two-thousand pounds. I can tell what you're thinking - "Hello player, bet you're making a tidy profit off of that stash" - well you'd be wrong. Eleven pence. Eleven pence a month.
Mental. Over a year I get one pound and thirty-two pence of interest. That's insulting. So my reward for entrusting my tender with NatWest is the equivalent of a Solero ice-cream. Or perhaps a portion of chips. Or some of Bertie Bassett's Liquorice Allsorts.
So I'm thinking of ways I could sensibly invest my portion, to accrue a reward equal or greater than the equivalent of 50 posi-drive woodscrews. So far I've got:
-Offer a local drug-dealer my financial backing in return for a 30% stake in his enterprise.
-Get a homeless feller back on his feet, in return for a personal rickshaw service around Bath and the local vicinity.
-Start my own sex service, providing quality sex at credit-crunch beating prices.
-Invest in my future at a wishing well.
-Start my own bank, lending out money I do not have, and pay myself a tidy bonus for doing a shit job - and also give my clients a totally shitty interest rate. Or a Solero.
Mental. Over a year I get one pound and thirty-two pence of interest. That's insulting. So my reward for entrusting my tender with NatWest is the equivalent of a Solero ice-cream. Or perhaps a portion of chips. Or some of Bertie Bassett's Liquorice Allsorts.
So I'm thinking of ways I could sensibly invest my portion, to accrue a reward equal or greater than the equivalent of 50 posi-drive woodscrews. So far I've got:
-Offer a local drug-dealer my financial backing in return for a 30% stake in his enterprise.
-Get a homeless feller back on his feet, in return for a personal rickshaw service around Bath and the local vicinity.
-Start my own sex service, providing quality sex at credit-crunch beating prices.
-Invest in my future at a wishing well.
-Start my own bank, lending out money I do not have, and pay myself a tidy bonus for doing a shit job - and also give my clients a totally shitty interest rate. Or a Solero.
Thursday 26 February 2009
46p for 500ml? Yes please, 4...
It's happened, despite global economic downturn, a disturbing level of knife and gun culture, Jade Goody's plight, Polar Bears' struggle with changing ecosystems, Homosexual Priests and rampant drink driving, Asda have continued to offer great prices and a comfortable shopping experience; highlighted by my acquisition of a 500millilitre vessel of Frijj milkshake for 46 pence. That's a price that would cheer up even Howard from the Halifax adverts (reports are in that he's now a raging alcoholic and lurks around branches of HSBC screaming "Who gives you extra? We do!" through an upturned traffic cone).
What's more, Frijj released a limited edition run; Vanillaaarrgggh (Vanilla). It tastes great, and the simplistic black and white design caught my attention, standing out amongst a crowd of dairy produce. This limited edition, in my opinion, far surpasses the Raspberry flavour of yester-year, and races on by, like a vanilla Lewis Hamilton (not a racial slur, by any means).
Now I'm not an expert on the economic crisis, and I've no investments, and as such have no fear of the liquidisation of the FTSE, and I was never invited to the NASDAQ party anyway. But, if Asda can offer Frijj for 46p, it looks increasingly like everything will be fine. And that's something we can all be happy about (except Jade Goody and David Cameron {the death of a son is at its core an inherently humourless subject, even less so with a disability in cumulation to the death...So I'll leave that there}).
And on top of all this great news, I'm getting 83% of my RDA of Calcium. I'm really over the moon.
What's more, Frijj released a limited edition run; Vanillaaarrgggh (Vanilla). It tastes great, and the simplistic black and white design caught my attention, standing out amongst a crowd of dairy produce. This limited edition, in my opinion, far surpasses the Raspberry flavour of yester-year, and races on by, like a vanilla Lewis Hamilton (not a racial slur, by any means).
Now I'm not an expert on the economic crisis, and I've no investments, and as such have no fear of the liquidisation of the FTSE, and I was never invited to the NASDAQ party anyway. But, if Asda can offer Frijj for 46p, it looks increasingly like everything will be fine. And that's something we can all be happy about (except Jade Goody and David Cameron {the death of a son is at its core an inherently humourless subject, even less so with a disability in cumulation to the death...So I'll leave that there}).
And on top of all this great news, I'm getting 83% of my RDA of Calcium. I'm really over the moon.
Monday 23 February 2009
Taxi!
Telephone Operator: Hello, Abbey Taxis...
Me: Hi there, could I get a Taxi from Third Avenue please?
TO: Yup sure, where are you heading?
Me: To the hospital, A&E please.
TO: Okay, I'll get a taxi sent to you now.
Me: Okay cool, thanks, bye.
TO: No problem, bye.
--------------------------------------------------
So far gripping stuff, but let me take you back to the beginning.
It was Wednesday 18th February. Pete, John, Oli and myself had met at Natwest at presicely 11am. (Although I had woken up late which meant Pete, John and myself were about 15 minutes late.) We spent approximately 20 minutes inside the bank sorting out accounts etc, and then headed to WHSmiths for earplugs.
Although it was not my plan for that day, I decided I needed at least some form of hearing protection that wasn't in the form of a disposable ear plug, and bought the reuseable pair from WHSmiths for £6.99 Sterling. So far my day had been a productive one.
After purchasing a BLT, Guardian, and 750ml of Coke from the local Waitrose, and then proceeding to eat/drink (I saved the paper for home) the Sandwich (5/10) and Coke (7/10 - refreshing but I worry about my teeth), we wandered home.
The journey home was uneventful.
--------------------------------------------------
Alex: Hey...
Me: Alex, have you got any tweezers?
Alex: Yeah why?
Me: Could you bring them over now please?
Alex: Okay, are you alrite? What have you done?
Me: I'll tell you when you get here. Bye.
Alex: Okay, I'll be about 5 minutes, just got to get ready. Bye
-------------------------------------------------------
Pete was upstairs, Myself, down. I was in my chair, at my desk, when I remembered the earplugs, I thought I'd test them out. I retrieved them from my bag, at the same time fishing the paper out (saves me doing it later) and put both on the desk.
Top drawer, scissors, snip, ear plugs are out of the packaging. What do I have:
Two Ear plugs
Two Yellow Pegs (already inserted into the ear plugs)
Two White Pegs
Instructions (won't be needing them)
I put the earplugs in my ears, no problem there, they fitted well enough, and they were blocking out some of the sound waves reverberating around the house. All in all, on par. At this point I started to wonder what the white pegs were doing there.
--------------------------------------------------
Nurse: Do you want to keep that?
Me: No.
--------------------------------------------------
As I mentioned before, included in the handy, zip-up case for the earplugs were a set of instructions. Before reading these (I still haven't), I came to the conclusion the white peg must go in the end of the ear plug, not, as I now realise, in place of the yellow pegs.
--------------------------------------------------
Man Behind Desk: Hi, can I help you?
Me: Basically, I've got something stuck in my ear...
--------------------------------------------------
Me: Hi there, could I get a Taxi from Third Avenue please?
TO: Yup sure, where are you heading?
Me: To the hospital, A&E please.
TO: Okay, I'll get a taxi sent to you now.
Me: Okay cool, thanks, bye.
TO: No problem, bye.
--------------------------------------------------
So far gripping stuff, but let me take you back to the beginning.
It was Wednesday 18th February. Pete, John, Oli and myself had met at Natwest at presicely 11am. (Although I had woken up late which meant Pete, John and myself were about 15 minutes late.) We spent approximately 20 minutes inside the bank sorting out accounts etc, and then headed to WHSmiths for earplugs.
Although it was not my plan for that day, I decided I needed at least some form of hearing protection that wasn't in the form of a disposable ear plug, and bought the reuseable pair from WHSmiths for £6.99 Sterling. So far my day had been a productive one.
After purchasing a BLT, Guardian, and 750ml of Coke from the local Waitrose, and then proceeding to eat/drink (I saved the paper for home) the Sandwich (5/10) and Coke (7/10 - refreshing but I worry about my teeth), we wandered home.
The journey home was uneventful.
--------------------------------------------------
Alex: Hey...
Me: Alex, have you got any tweezers?
Alex: Yeah why?
Me: Could you bring them over now please?
Alex: Okay, are you alrite? What have you done?
Me: I'll tell you when you get here. Bye.
Alex: Okay, I'll be about 5 minutes, just got to get ready. Bye
-------------------------------------------------------
Pete was upstairs, Myself, down. I was in my chair, at my desk, when I remembered the earplugs, I thought I'd test them out. I retrieved them from my bag, at the same time fishing the paper out (saves me doing it later) and put both on the desk.
Top drawer, scissors, snip, ear plugs are out of the packaging. What do I have:
Two Ear plugs
Two Yellow Pegs (already inserted into the ear plugs)
Two White Pegs
Instructions (won't be needing them)
I put the earplugs in my ears, no problem there, they fitted well enough, and they were blocking out some of the sound waves reverberating around the house. All in all, on par. At this point I started to wonder what the white pegs were doing there.
--------------------------------------------------
Nurse: Do you want to keep that?
Me: No.
--------------------------------------------------
As I mentioned before, included in the handy, zip-up case for the earplugs were a set of instructions. Before reading these (I still haven't), I came to the conclusion the white peg must go in the end of the ear plug, not, as I now realise, in place of the yellow pegs.
--------------------------------------------------
Man Behind Desk: Hi, can I help you?
Me: Basically, I've got something stuck in my ear...
--------------------------------------------------
Wednesday 18 February 2009
These are a few of my favourite things...
Well, actually, my least favourite things, since the anatomy of a blog can often be improved by complaining or moaning or having a somewhat negative subtext...
Multi-cultural representation in the Media
Equal rights, love it. Multi-cultural Britain, brilliant. People of all racial types living in tolerance, can't argue with that. But don't go putting one of each on Blue Peter. That's confusing for kids, like making a racial checklist. So I've got to have 5 Fruit and Veg a day, brush my teeth twice a day, and there's an Asian, a Black man, a Caucasian and an Irish bloke in all walks of life? Just put the best people for the job on, because I think it's time to move on from monitoring how many different shades we've covered.
Loose Women
Courtesy of ITV, a bunch of middle-aged hags moaning about Orgasms, the Congestion Charge and the Menopause. Not worth the advertisers' money.
Menstrual Cycle Products
Talking of the menopause, do we really need adverts for Always and Tampax during The Bill? Presumably women already remember that they may need to purchase a suitable toiletry during a certain period of time (pun intentional), and I'm not being prudish, but I do not want to be reminded of the menstrual cycle. And I got an A* for Double Science, so I'm not ignorant.
Homeless People
Firstly, they're making me feel guilty. Secondly, stop asking for my change, I need that for either Chips or a Bus ticket. If I gave all my change away I'd be in as much of a state as you, and neither of us want that, do we?
Michael Moore Documentaries
Just a fat guy.
That streak of Piss....
When you've just finished peeing and you pull on your boxers and trousers, only for a little dribble of urine to trickle down the inside of your leg. Enough to ruin a day, and make you wish you'd shaken just a couple more times.
Having said all that, I've grown accustomed to FairTrade Coffee now, so it's not all bad. And I got Pringles on buy one get one free.
Multi-cultural representation in the Media
Equal rights, love it. Multi-cultural Britain, brilliant. People of all racial types living in tolerance, can't argue with that. But don't go putting one of each on Blue Peter. That's confusing for kids, like making a racial checklist. So I've got to have 5 Fruit and Veg a day, brush my teeth twice a day, and there's an Asian, a Black man, a Caucasian and an Irish bloke in all walks of life? Just put the best people for the job on, because I think it's time to move on from monitoring how many different shades we've covered.
Loose Women
Courtesy of ITV, a bunch of middle-aged hags moaning about Orgasms, the Congestion Charge and the Menopause. Not worth the advertisers' money.
Menstrual Cycle Products
Talking of the menopause, do we really need adverts for Always and Tampax during The Bill? Presumably women already remember that they may need to purchase a suitable toiletry during a certain period of time (pun intentional), and I'm not being prudish, but I do not want to be reminded of the menstrual cycle. And I got an A* for Double Science, so I'm not ignorant.
Homeless People
Firstly, they're making me feel guilty. Secondly, stop asking for my change, I need that for either Chips or a Bus ticket. If I gave all my change away I'd be in as much of a state as you, and neither of us want that, do we?
Michael Moore Documentaries
Just a fat guy.
That streak of Piss....
When you've just finished peeing and you pull on your boxers and trousers, only for a little dribble of urine to trickle down the inside of your leg. Enough to ruin a day, and make you wish you'd shaken just a couple more times.
Having said all that, I've grown accustomed to FairTrade Coffee now, so it's not all bad. And I got Pringles on buy one get one free.
Tuesday 10 February 2009
FairTrade?
I ran out of Coffee a few days ago. I'm not an excessive drinker; I have maybe 2 or 3 cups a day, less if I'm busy (a little milk and 1.75 sugars please). A good coffee should fulfil a few criteria:
-Smell good when you open the packet
-Smell good when you pour in the hot (not boiling) water
-Taste good when you drink it
Not too much to ask is it?
Well, I went shopping with a mind to buy around 200 grams of Instant Coffee granules. Obviously you've got Nescafe, they're a safe bet. But a Co-Op own brand of FairTrade Coffee caught my attention, at a price considerably better than Nescafe or any other brands (Kenco etc.).
Now I agree with the principle of FairTrade produce, it's win-win in my book - a little starving feller in Africa gets a little extra for his Coffee beans, and I can be a little smug cos I've helped out a little starving feller in Africa. However, if the Coffee tastes average (at best), I've a good mind to go over and find the starving feller and ask him where he gets off giving me shitty produce.
The Coffee did not smell even good when I opened the jar, it did not smell good when I poured it, and tasted average, bordering on bland. For it to be a FairTrade, surely these Africans should be holding up their side of the bargain? I should add that Isaac has made it clear that he enjoyed both sets of aroma and also the taste, but he's not tried Nescafe recently; in short, his opinion is worthless here, like the Coffee.
If it had been the other way round, and us Europeans were exploiting Africans there'd be an uproar. It's positive discrimination, political correctness gone mad. I've a good mind to get Nelson Mandela on the phone and ask him "What's happened to the Coffee?". Let's force an ultimatum: Sort out the Coffee or we'll stop sending the goats.
-Smell good when you open the packet
-Smell good when you pour in the hot (not boiling) water
-Taste good when you drink it
Not too much to ask is it?
Well, I went shopping with a mind to buy around 200 grams of Instant Coffee granules. Obviously you've got Nescafe, they're a safe bet. But a Co-Op own brand of FairTrade Coffee caught my attention, at a price considerably better than Nescafe or any other brands (Kenco etc.).
Now I agree with the principle of FairTrade produce, it's win-win in my book - a little starving feller in Africa gets a little extra for his Coffee beans, and I can be a little smug cos I've helped out a little starving feller in Africa. However, if the Coffee tastes average (at best), I've a good mind to go over and find the starving feller and ask him where he gets off giving me shitty produce.
The Coffee did not smell even good when I opened the jar, it did not smell good when I poured it, and tasted average, bordering on bland. For it to be a FairTrade, surely these Africans should be holding up their side of the bargain? I should add that Isaac has made it clear that he enjoyed both sets of aroma and also the taste, but he's not tried Nescafe recently; in short, his opinion is worthless here, like the Coffee.
If it had been the other way round, and us Europeans were exploiting Africans there'd be an uproar. It's positive discrimination, political correctness gone mad. I've a good mind to get Nelson Mandela on the phone and ask him "What's happened to the Coffee?". Let's force an ultimatum: Sort out the Coffee or we'll stop sending the goats.
Sunday 8 February 2009
These are the men who made our dreams come true...
Rugby players.
It's 10.8 degrees celsius, 67% humidity (it was 84% when I woke up, and 6.7 degrees celsius) and I'm sat in bed preparing to watch Wales and Scotland meet in the 3rd game of the Six Nations. Yesterday's rugby was at best pretty boring, and at worst duller than a standard measurement convention.
The overwhelming feeling that I've got from the first 3 minutes that I've watched on iPlayer is that the BBC are trying very hard to be arty, epic and a filmic. A nature program narrated by David Attenborough was matched with a pumping and highly produced drumbeat and the line "DRAMA". Then we get to the Rugby, and there's a 300-style narrated piece about Wales' rugby performance. Let's be fair, they're rugby players, not ancient war heroes.
What's next, a new filmic style of News reporting? Perhaps Trevor McDonald will announce just one word - 'Tragedy', while Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata plays over black and white collages of Jade Goody. Maybe a Kaleidoscopic image of HSBC, NatWest and Barclay's with a superimposed collection of money arranged to spell 'Buggered' to the tune of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Fiona Bruce crying whilst pictures of obese children struggling to press the keys on their iPhones to order more Domino's pizzas play behind her?
Maybe not, but my favourite quotes so far in this broadcast:
"Pull him off 10 minutes into the game" (Need I point out any innuendo here?)
"The only thing he was missing was a red nose"
"I think it's going to be very tight" (More innuendo)
"Running for ball" (This one could also be sexual)
"It will be sticky for the first few minutes" (It's getting far too easy)
Over and out.
It's 10.8 degrees celsius, 67% humidity (it was 84% when I woke up, and 6.7 degrees celsius) and I'm sat in bed preparing to watch Wales and Scotland meet in the 3rd game of the Six Nations. Yesterday's rugby was at best pretty boring, and at worst duller than a standard measurement convention.
The overwhelming feeling that I've got from the first 3 minutes that I've watched on iPlayer is that the BBC are trying very hard to be arty, epic and a filmic. A nature program narrated by David Attenborough was matched with a pumping and highly produced drumbeat and the line "DRAMA". Then we get to the Rugby, and there's a 300-style narrated piece about Wales' rugby performance. Let's be fair, they're rugby players, not ancient war heroes.
What's next, a new filmic style of News reporting? Perhaps Trevor McDonald will announce just one word - 'Tragedy', while Beethoven's Pathetique Sonata plays over black and white collages of Jade Goody. Maybe a Kaleidoscopic image of HSBC, NatWest and Barclay's with a superimposed collection of money arranged to spell 'Buggered' to the tune of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Fiona Bruce crying whilst pictures of obese children struggling to press the keys on their iPhones to order more Domino's pizzas play behind her?
Maybe not, but my favourite quotes so far in this broadcast:
"Pull him off 10 minutes into the game" (Need I point out any innuendo here?)
"The only thing he was missing was a red nose"
"I think it's going to be very tight" (More innuendo)
"Running for ball" (This one could also be sexual)
"It will be sticky for the first few minutes" (It's getting far too easy)
Over and out.
Tuesday 3 February 2009
Guessing at Numbers and Figures
Science is a representation of the world we live in, a sum of best guesses, an interpretation and explanation (however partial or incomplete) of the stimuli we sense. The models created work on a basis of laws and constants that by their very nature do not change or fluctuate. Theories, however grand or complex, are still limited to our own nuances as a species on the planet; if our senses are limited dimensionally, so too are our contemplations and understandings.
With this said, the BBC has been running a series of programs celebrating the anniversary of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species. I watched the David Attenborough presented feature, and it was an hour packed with great footage, great music and amounted to an all round interesting program. Yet throughout the hour I was thinking, "all this is great, if the models that we are basing these theories on are actually correct". Now, I'm not saying that I don't think Evolution is the best explanation we've got at present (According to The Guardian less than 30% of Britons are convinced), and Mendel's model of genetics is great, but aren't we just playing a giant game of Cluedo? I'll elaborate. We have an end result (the present state of things), and we have a set of laws that co-exist with the end result, and ways of representing this end result (Scientific Knowledge). But are there other laws that would fit equally well that are yet to be discovered? For example, Carol Vorderman could show me several ways of reaching the same conclusion in the Countdown numbers round, and compared to some of the complexities of nature, that analogy is embarrassingly simple.
Did the first life forms 'exist' in four dimensions? If, as animals, we have eventually reached a stage at which we are aware of a concept of time (although in itself this presents all kinds of questions), could future descendants (millenia down the line) ever 'exist' within an additional dimension, one that we cannot sense at present? In the same way that organisms have evolved to sense light, are there other dimensions or stimuli that we at present cannot sense, but in which our current laws and constants do not apply?
One thing we can say with an arrogant certainty; the current state of McVitie's Chocolate HobNobs is a present perfection, and one that we should all enjoy whether or not the current understanding of our universe is satisfactory or not.
With this said, the BBC has been running a series of programs celebrating the anniversary of Charles Darwin's Origin of Species. I watched the David Attenborough presented feature, and it was an hour packed with great footage, great music and amounted to an all round interesting program. Yet throughout the hour I was thinking, "all this is great, if the models that we are basing these theories on are actually correct". Now, I'm not saying that I don't think Evolution is the best explanation we've got at present (According to The Guardian less than 30% of Britons are convinced), and Mendel's model of genetics is great, but aren't we just playing a giant game of Cluedo? I'll elaborate. We have an end result (the present state of things), and we have a set of laws that co-exist with the end result, and ways of representing this end result (Scientific Knowledge). But are there other laws that would fit equally well that are yet to be discovered? For example, Carol Vorderman could show me several ways of reaching the same conclusion in the Countdown numbers round, and compared to some of the complexities of nature, that analogy is embarrassingly simple.
Did the first life forms 'exist' in four dimensions? If, as animals, we have eventually reached a stage at which we are aware of a concept of time (although in itself this presents all kinds of questions), could future descendants (millenia down the line) ever 'exist' within an additional dimension, one that we cannot sense at present? In the same way that organisms have evolved to sense light, are there other dimensions or stimuli that we at present cannot sense, but in which our current laws and constants do not apply?
One thing we can say with an arrogant certainty; the current state of McVitie's Chocolate HobNobs is a present perfection, and one that we should all enjoy whether or not the current understanding of our universe is satisfactory or not.
Friday 30 January 2009
Wossy's Welcome Weturn...
Exactly one week ago, we were treated to the twiumphant [sic] reinstatement of Jonathan Ross into the BBC's output. Mr Ross had been enjoying a hiatus of several months after phoning a spanish waiter in a Torquay hotel and ordering four scallops and Trout, on a bed of Rocket. He was joined by Lee Evans, Stephen Fry and Tom Cruise, in what proved to be a fairly dull set of interviews; although that was mostly due to the interviewees, not the interviewer. Hopefully tonight's show will enjoy a slightly better rapport and more casual interviews; but I haven't been able to find who's appearing tonight.
Tom Cruise managed to hide his obvious psychological issues well in his appearance, at no point did he jump on the sofa (he did say it was uncomfortable) or even mention L Ron Hubbard's sci-fi club. A step in the right direction, for sure.
Likewise was his involvement in the Ben Stiller directed "Tropic Thunder". If you want a serious, hard-hitting film, that explores the futility of war and delves into the characteristics of the armed forces, then this film is not for you. But if you want a good laugh at the expense of some unfortunate circumstances and some slightly brown people, then perhaps you should check it out. Cruise's performance was, for me, a highlight of the film. And Jack Black's involvement, unusually, did not make the film an unbearable farce.
In the light of this film, I feel perhaps war is not so bad, and the more we can latch onto America's invasion of other less fortunate countries, the better, especially in the current economic climate. Let's get involved...
Tom Cruise managed to hide his obvious psychological issues well in his appearance, at no point did he jump on the sofa (he did say it was uncomfortable) or even mention L Ron Hubbard's sci-fi club. A step in the right direction, for sure.
Likewise was his involvement in the Ben Stiller directed "Tropic Thunder". If you want a serious, hard-hitting film, that explores the futility of war and delves into the characteristics of the armed forces, then this film is not for you. But if you want a good laugh at the expense of some unfortunate circumstances and some slightly brown people, then perhaps you should check it out. Cruise's performance was, for me, a highlight of the film. And Jack Black's involvement, unusually, did not make the film an unbearable farce.
In the light of this film, I feel perhaps war is not so bad, and the more we can latch onto America's invasion of other less fortunate countries, the better, especially in the current economic climate. Let's get involved...
Sunday 25 January 2009
FREE Guide to dating
Yesteday's Guardian (weekend edition) was full to the brim with reading material, and so a paper should be at £1.60 a go. But, as with many things in this world, it is quality, not quantity, that I want with News, so how did the Guardian fare?
Good.
The free guide to dating was, well, we'll leave that. Although, there were two highlights:
1. It featured an article by "legendary Agony Aunt Claire Raynor". Who?
2. The pun experts were out and had come up with an zinger for a statistics column; Raw Dater.
The paper, as you would expect, was full of Obama. One article was simply a list of what he had done for each hour of his first hundred in office. My favourite hour was:
Hour 71: Back to the gym for likely work out.
(Perhaps they need heed my advice, is that worth the paper it was printed on?)
The most amazing article, both in content and how that content ended up on page 3 (it's not the Sun don't get your hopes up), was the page spread entitled "From ice-cream to cognac, advertisers try to hijack the magic of the Obama brand"
Enough said.
Good.
The free guide to dating was, well, we'll leave that. Although, there were two highlights:
1. It featured an article by "legendary Agony Aunt Claire Raynor". Who?
2. The pun experts were out and had come up with an zinger for a statistics column; Raw Dater.
The paper, as you would expect, was full of Obama. One article was simply a list of what he had done for each hour of his first hundred in office. My favourite hour was:
Hour 71: Back to the gym for likely work out.
(Perhaps they need heed my advice, is that worth the paper it was printed on?)
The most amazing article, both in content and how that content ended up on page 3 (it's not the Sun don't get your hopes up), was the page spread entitled "From ice-cream to cognac, advertisers try to hijack the magic of the Obama brand"
Enough said.
Friday 23 January 2009
That Peter Crouch...
"He must go and sleep in a grow bag, that boy, mustn't he eh?"
This is the sort of material Jim Davidson is capable of delivering during his sidesplitting, hair curling, knee-jerk comedy routines. Other great lines included "My legs look like a f*cking negative of Gandhi's legs alright?", and "F*cking Argentinians, worse than Pakis". Now, I know his humour may not be to everyone's taste, but I for one really think it's a shame that he's no longer welcome on our stages to show us what human beings are capable of in cognitive thought, reasoning and philosophy.
He's still soldiering on though, and it turns out that really the only people that seem to go for his unique brand of comedy are those in the armed forces; as testified by videos on YouTube. It's slightly worrying that those who are supposed to be ambassadors in foreign countries (if they're not maiming and slaughtering) would applaud the assertion that Phillipino women are "Little f*cking machines fuelled by rice".
Not only does he have some great social commentary on race issues such as those above, but his post-feminist views on sexuality are also eye-opening, and not the least bit crude, infantile or downright vulgar.
Still, for an alocholic wife-beater he's not doing too badly...
(Disclaimer: The above prose is laced with a potent blend of irony and fact, and should be treated as such. Artizan Quarter in no way align themselves with the beliefs, assertions or intentions of Jim Davidson.)
This is the sort of material Jim Davidson is capable of delivering during his sidesplitting, hair curling, knee-jerk comedy routines. Other great lines included "My legs look like a f*cking negative of Gandhi's legs alright?", and "F*cking Argentinians, worse than Pakis". Now, I know his humour may not be to everyone's taste, but I for one really think it's a shame that he's no longer welcome on our stages to show us what human beings are capable of in cognitive thought, reasoning and philosophy.
He's still soldiering on though, and it turns out that really the only people that seem to go for his unique brand of comedy are those in the armed forces; as testified by videos on YouTube. It's slightly worrying that those who are supposed to be ambassadors in foreign countries (if they're not maiming and slaughtering) would applaud the assertion that Phillipino women are "Little f*cking machines fuelled by rice".
Not only does he have some great social commentary on race issues such as those above, but his post-feminist views on sexuality are also eye-opening, and not the least bit crude, infantile or downright vulgar.
Still, for an alocholic wife-beater he's not doing too badly...
(Disclaimer: The above prose is laced with a potent blend of irony and fact, and should be treated as such. Artizan Quarter in no way align themselves with the beliefs, assertions or intentions of Jim Davidson.)
Wednesday 21 January 2009
Tigers: They're Grreeeeat.
Of an evening, select members of Artizan Quarter may often huddle round a Laptop screen and watch videos of their favourite predators on YouTube. Isaac struggles to choose a favourite, whilst Pete will often opt for a Bear; I personally am a big fan of the Tiger and its work.
Upon doing some research on Tigers (I recommend you do too), I discovered that of all the Cats, the Tiger kills the most humans. Instances are reckoned to be about as numerous as the killcount of Grizzly bears, but it is thought that bears will often kill humans just because they don't like them, rather than as prey. In a lot of cases, Tigers prey on humans as they are elderly or injured and humans represent a relatively easy source of food. Fair play.
One such incident which did not work out in quite the same way occured at a Zoo in India, 5 days before Christmas, 2007. A feller 'vaulted' over the barriers to get closer to the tiger enclosure in order to take a picture. Generally, barriers are there for a reason, and as such, attention should thus be paid to them. Unfortunately for this guy, a Tiger bit off his hand and then proceeded to maul him to death.
A rather too clear message; should have forked out just that little extra for the telescopic lens...
And the real kicker is that he was taking the shots with his mobile phone camera. Those photos were good to neither man nor beast.
Upon doing some research on Tigers (I recommend you do too), I discovered that of all the Cats, the Tiger kills the most humans. Instances are reckoned to be about as numerous as the killcount of Grizzly bears, but it is thought that bears will often kill humans just because they don't like them, rather than as prey. In a lot of cases, Tigers prey on humans as they are elderly or injured and humans represent a relatively easy source of food. Fair play.
One such incident which did not work out in quite the same way occured at a Zoo in India, 5 days before Christmas, 2007. A feller 'vaulted' over the barriers to get closer to the tiger enclosure in order to take a picture. Generally, barriers are there for a reason, and as such, attention should thus be paid to them. Unfortunately for this guy, a Tiger bit off his hand and then proceeded to maul him to death.
A rather too clear message; should have forked out just that little extra for the telescopic lens...
And the real kicker is that he was taking the shots with his mobile phone camera. Those photos were good to neither man nor beast.
Monday 19 January 2009
Saturday 17 January 2009
I ran away...
for a day, to Bristol's Cabot Circus. And I know what you're thinking, but it's actually a retail complex, my center of gravity is way too high to be an efficient tight-rope walker.
The shopping center, completed in September 2008, costing £500 million and providing 1,500,000 sq/ft of floor space, was a nice place to shop. However I did find a few bad points, these are as follows (and in no particular order, I am basically having a rant):
Food - Some would say, as I thought I would, that having no fast food chains in the mall is a good thing, and yes, I think it is, but to have them all replaced by either Costa Coffee, Starbucks or Pret-a-Manger is a bit of a joke. I needed cheap food, they couldn't provide it, don't go if you're hungry!
The Roof - Now call me sentimental, but everytime I enter the Great Hall, in the British Museum, I am in awe. The roof is amazing. So when I first set foot inside Cabot Circus, looked up, and saw the same roof (all be it on a smaller scale) I was secretly very angry. I know it looks good mate, I've seen it, just come up with something else.
Protests - War is never a good thing, people die, and walking through Cabot Circus today, the message was the same. Thousands die in Gaza.
I admire the heart of these protestors, I don't think I care enough to actively try and stop wars, (still she didn't have to be such a bitch when I asked for a flyer - no people skills) but at the time I felt their energy was being wasted, or perhaps focused in the wrong direction; to put it another way: I don't think stopping people enter a branch of Bodyshop in Bristol is the way to put an end to the conflict.
Clearly I didn't realise how popular Bodyshop is, because when I got home I saw this.
The shopping center, completed in September 2008, costing £500 million and providing 1,500,000 sq/ft of floor space, was a nice place to shop. However I did find a few bad points, these are as follows (and in no particular order, I am basically having a rant):
Food - Some would say, as I thought I would, that having no fast food chains in the mall is a good thing, and yes, I think it is, but to have them all replaced by either Costa Coffee, Starbucks or Pret-a-Manger is a bit of a joke. I needed cheap food, they couldn't provide it, don't go if you're hungry!
The Roof - Now call me sentimental, but everytime I enter the Great Hall, in the British Museum, I am in awe. The roof is amazing. So when I first set foot inside Cabot Circus, looked up, and saw the same roof (all be it on a smaller scale) I was secretly very angry. I know it looks good mate, I've seen it, just come up with something else.
Protests - War is never a good thing, people die, and walking through Cabot Circus today, the message was the same. Thousands die in Gaza.
I admire the heart of these protestors, I don't think I care enough to actively try and stop wars, (still she didn't have to be such a bitch when I asked for a flyer - no people skills) but at the time I felt their energy was being wasted, or perhaps focused in the wrong direction; to put it another way: I don't think stopping people enter a branch of Bodyshop in Bristol is the way to put an end to the conflict.
Clearly I didn't realise how popular Bodyshop is, because when I got home I saw this.
Look for the Hair necessities...
The human is a member of the species Homo Sapien - translated from Latin meaning Wise or Knowing human. The Neolithic stage saw the advent of agriculture, prior to which most humans lived as hunter gatherers. These hunter-gatherers snacked on fruits, mushrooms, larvae and molluscs, as well as wild game.
What intrigues me is that at some point in our development, the diet of our hair became more nutritious than that of which our mouths were to partake. Honestly, I'm sure that the amount of Vitamins and Minerals that are supposedly in Pantene Pro-V would easily equal or surpass my intake thereof.
And onto a more startling revelation, not only are they putting fruit in our shampoo (not just Raspberries and Strawberries, but Kiwis and Pink Grapefruit?), but in my bathroom I see a Yoghurt and Strawberry Shampoo and Conditioner range. Courtesy of Schwartzkopf. Now I'm all for sleek and shiny hair, but who was the first to suggest "You know what I think people want in their hair? Yoghurt." And who was the company executive who went along with it? Even more surprising; people are buying the stuff.
Keep the yoghurt in the fridge, not the bathroom.
What intrigues me is that at some point in our development, the diet of our hair became more nutritious than that of which our mouths were to partake. Honestly, I'm sure that the amount of Vitamins and Minerals that are supposedly in Pantene Pro-V would easily equal or surpass my intake thereof.
And onto a more startling revelation, not only are they putting fruit in our shampoo (not just Raspberries and Strawberries, but Kiwis and Pink Grapefruit?), but in my bathroom I see a Yoghurt and Strawberry Shampoo and Conditioner range. Courtesy of Schwartzkopf. Now I'm all for sleek and shiny hair, but who was the first to suggest "You know what I think people want in their hair? Yoghurt." And who was the company executive who went along with it? Even more surprising; people are buying the stuff.
Keep the yoghurt in the fridge, not the bathroom.
Sunday 11 January 2009
When I get that feeling, I want Sexual Healing...
I was treated to an audio-visual feast courtesy of BBC iPlayer last week. Program: Panorama. Running Time: 30 minutes. Presenter: Jeremy Vine. Opinion: Brilliant.
Our schools are rife with a rather new phenomenon that has not manifest itself until this generation. Kids are running around, calling eachother 'Gay' and 'Slut', grabbing eachother in the playground and only god (or teachers) knows what else. Experts have coined the phrase "Sexual Bullying" to describe the problem, and are pointing to Britney Spears' scantily clad moaning as the root of this catastrophic change of behavioural habits amongst children.
Not wanting to be a damp squib here, but I'm fairly sure that kids have been calling eachother 'Gay' and prodding and poking one another since we emerged from primordial soup. Now of course, if real abuse occurs, then this is definitely a problem, and child abuse is never funny, not even on this blog. Having said that, to label childish name-calling as sexual abuse is to turn one's back on the years of all childhood fun.
If calling a child gay is sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If calling a 13 year old girl a slut is inappropriate and sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If grabbing a cohort by the dick and balls and hanging on for dear life as he runs around the playground screaming is sexual bullying, again I say, I'm guilty.
Our schools are rife with a rather new phenomenon that has not manifest itself until this generation. Kids are running around, calling eachother 'Gay' and 'Slut', grabbing eachother in the playground and only god (or teachers) knows what else. Experts have coined the phrase "Sexual Bullying" to describe the problem, and are pointing to Britney Spears' scantily clad moaning as the root of this catastrophic change of behavioural habits amongst children.
Not wanting to be a damp squib here, but I'm fairly sure that kids have been calling eachother 'Gay' and prodding and poking one another since we emerged from primordial soup. Now of course, if real abuse occurs, then this is definitely a problem, and child abuse is never funny, not even on this blog. Having said that, to label childish name-calling as sexual abuse is to turn one's back on the years of all childhood fun.
If calling a child gay is sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If calling a 13 year old girl a slut is inappropriate and sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If grabbing a cohort by the dick and balls and hanging on for dear life as he runs around the playground screaming is sexual bullying, again I say, I'm guilty.
Thursday 8 January 2009
The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one...
Yet still they crash into our energy saving structures...
That's right, the nation was rocked by the news that a UFO had crashed into a wind turbine. The question everyone is asking is "What are they (aliens) expecting to find in Lincolnshire?". At least start somewhere interesting, then visit Lincoln on the way back from, say, the pyramids or Canary Wharf. But crashing into a wind turbine located in a small settlement by the A1031 road? What a way to go.
Of course, this was not actually a UFO strike, as some Turkey farmers and townsfolk have suggested, rather, the bright lights in the sky were from some fireworks, and the falling turbine blade is yet to be explained.
My concern is focussed more towards the fact that turbine blades are falling from the sky. Not only this, but it is reported to happen up to 6 times a year (according to one source). 6 times a year? I would have thought turbine blades falling from the sky would have been the sort of technical fault that would have been ironed out in the prototype stage.
Let's be clear, I'm all for saving the planet and that; I've got a re-usable shopping bag for one thing. But imagine the conversation:
"Umm hi, is this the county council?"
"Yes it is, how can I help you?"
"Well the problem is a wind turbine has fallen from the sky and crushed my six year old daughter."
"Killed your what?"
"My six year old daughter. Dead."
"Well turbines have been known to fall off, up to 6 times a year according to some sources."
"Oh, so you already knew about the problem?"
"In a way, yes, but thanks for calling."
"Sorry for wasting your time then, bye!"
And the moral of the story is: Make sure wind turbines don't fall apart before you plan to solve the world energy crisis with them.
That's right, the nation was rocked by the news that a UFO had crashed into a wind turbine. The question everyone is asking is "What are they (aliens) expecting to find in Lincolnshire?". At least start somewhere interesting, then visit Lincoln on the way back from, say, the pyramids or Canary Wharf. But crashing into a wind turbine located in a small settlement by the A1031 road? What a way to go.
Of course, this was not actually a UFO strike, as some Turkey farmers and townsfolk have suggested, rather, the bright lights in the sky were from some fireworks, and the falling turbine blade is yet to be explained.
My concern is focussed more towards the fact that turbine blades are falling from the sky. Not only this, but it is reported to happen up to 6 times a year (according to one source). 6 times a year? I would have thought turbine blades falling from the sky would have been the sort of technical fault that would have been ironed out in the prototype stage.
Let's be clear, I'm all for saving the planet and that; I've got a re-usable shopping bag for one thing. But imagine the conversation:
"Umm hi, is this the county council?"
"Yes it is, how can I help you?"
"Well the problem is a wind turbine has fallen from the sky and crushed my six year old daughter."
"Killed your what?"
"My six year old daughter. Dead."
"Well turbines have been known to fall off, up to 6 times a year according to some sources."
"Oh, so you already knew about the problem?"
"In a way, yes, but thanks for calling."
"Sorry for wasting your time then, bye!"
And the moral of the story is: Make sure wind turbines don't fall apart before you plan to solve the world energy crisis with them.
Wednesday 7 January 2009
Monday 5 January 2009
Animal vs Man
Over this last week (the first of 2009), I have seen man and beast cross each other twice, all from the comfort of my bed.
The first video came from iplayer in the form of Natural World: Great White Shark - A Living Legend. This show was not great. In fact, at times, it was very boring. The main argument I have against the show is that it seemed to be more focused on the 'presenter' (in this case Mike Rutzen) than on the animal. And, a creature as impressive as the Great White Shark (or Tommy Shark as they refer to it) deserves our full attention.
The show was based around Mike getting in the sea with the Great Whites and interacting with them. Most of his time with the sharks, as you can probably guess, was spent trying not to get eaten by them. By changing his posture and position in the water he believed he could use his body language to communicate with the shark, employing such techniques as to dive below the shark, which they see as a dominant position. Of course, the show ended with Rutzen still in one piece, having managed to achieve his goal: to watch a shark attack a seal (all be it a fake one dragged behind his boat) from underneath.
The second video I watched was on Youtube and was based on much the same principal, if you swap Shark for Lion, and athletic-diver for fat-man-with-a-cap-beard-and-ponytail. I found this video much more entertaining, and at only 9:22mins in length, the exctiement:boredom ratio was verging on 1:0.
Although these events have provided some brilliant footage, these two men should perhaps ask themselves, should I really be doing this? When was the last time anyone saw this man?
John's Humidity Reading 6th Jan 2009
72%.
Pete's Top Tip no3.
If your ear starts to itch, forget rubbing it, just pull the lobe outwards at an angle parallel to the floor. Give it a good tug and the itching should cease.
The first video came from iplayer in the form of Natural World: Great White Shark - A Living Legend. This show was not great. In fact, at times, it was very boring. The main argument I have against the show is that it seemed to be more focused on the 'presenter' (in this case Mike Rutzen) than on the animal. And, a creature as impressive as the Great White Shark (or Tommy Shark as they refer to it) deserves our full attention.
The show was based around Mike getting in the sea with the Great Whites and interacting with them. Most of his time with the sharks, as you can probably guess, was spent trying not to get eaten by them. By changing his posture and position in the water he believed he could use his body language to communicate with the shark, employing such techniques as to dive below the shark, which they see as a dominant position. Of course, the show ended with Rutzen still in one piece, having managed to achieve his goal: to watch a shark attack a seal (all be it a fake one dragged behind his boat) from underneath.
The second video I watched was on Youtube and was based on much the same principal, if you swap Shark for Lion, and athletic-diver for fat-man-with-a-cap-beard-and-ponytail. I found this video much more entertaining, and at only 9:22mins in length, the exctiement:boredom ratio was verging on 1:0.
Although these events have provided some brilliant footage, these two men should perhaps ask themselves, should I really be doing this? When was the last time anyone saw this man?
John's Humidity Reading 6th Jan 2009
72%.
Pete's Top Tip no3.
If your ear starts to itch, forget rubbing it, just pull the lobe outwards at an angle parallel to the floor. Give it a good tug and the itching should cease.
Saturday 3 January 2009
Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'...
It's the new year, and as such, a clean slate. The world has renewed itself as an oyster; as a selection box from which to take your chocolate; a sweet shop where you can buy anything you want, for less than a quid. In other words, it's time to make some decisions about how you're going to feel about this year, how you're going to deal with issues, and how you're going to view the world.
Remember, a wise scholar once wrote "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". Has this saying ever been truer? Probably.
Anyway, since it's a new year I want to address what I think is a pressing matter, a hot potato and a current affair all rolled into one.
Marmite Squeezy.
According to the website "countless numbers of you....got in touch...asking for a squeezy version".
I've got two things to say about this.
1) Who are these people writing into Marmite asking for Squeezy packaging. And by countless do Marmite actually mean literally no people wrote in asking for it?
2) Squeezy Marmite is abismal. It's worse than Jade Goody. I'd sooner see Evan Almighty than choose Squeezy Marmite over the regular jar...In fact I'd go as far to say I'd choose a non-brand marmite imitation rather than that Squeezable rubbish.
Happy New year. Let's hope they don't make Squeezy Hovis Best of Both loaves.
Remember, a wise scholar once wrote "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". Has this saying ever been truer? Probably.
Anyway, since it's a new year I want to address what I think is a pressing matter, a hot potato and a current affair all rolled into one.
Marmite Squeezy.
According to the website "countless numbers of you....got in touch...asking for a squeezy version".
I've got two things to say about this.
1) Who are these people writing into Marmite asking for Squeezy packaging. And by countless do Marmite actually mean literally no people wrote in asking for it?
2) Squeezy Marmite is abismal. It's worse than Jade Goody. I'd sooner see Evan Almighty than choose Squeezy Marmite over the regular jar...In fact I'd go as far to say I'd choose a non-brand marmite imitation rather than that Squeezable rubbish.
Happy New year. Let's hope they don't make Squeezy Hovis Best of Both loaves.
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