Exactly one week ago, we were treated to the twiumphant [sic] reinstatement of Jonathan Ross into the BBC's output. Mr Ross had been enjoying a hiatus of several months after phoning a spanish waiter in a Torquay hotel and ordering four scallops and Trout, on a bed of Rocket. He was joined by Lee Evans, Stephen Fry and Tom Cruise, in what proved to be a fairly dull set of interviews; although that was mostly due to the interviewees, not the interviewer. Hopefully tonight's show will enjoy a slightly better rapport and more casual interviews; but I haven't been able to find who's appearing tonight.
Tom Cruise managed to hide his obvious psychological issues well in his appearance, at no point did he jump on the sofa (he did say it was uncomfortable) or even mention L Ron Hubbard's sci-fi club. A step in the right direction, for sure.
Likewise was his involvement in the Ben Stiller directed "Tropic Thunder". If you want a serious, hard-hitting film, that explores the futility of war and delves into the characteristics of the armed forces, then this film is not for you. But if you want a good laugh at the expense of some unfortunate circumstances and some slightly brown people, then perhaps you should check it out. Cruise's performance was, for me, a highlight of the film. And Jack Black's involvement, unusually, did not make the film an unbearable farce.
In the light of this film, I feel perhaps war is not so bad, and the more we can latch onto America's invasion of other less fortunate countries, the better, especially in the current economic climate. Let's get involved...
Friday 30 January 2009
Sunday 25 January 2009
FREE Guide to dating
Yesteday's Guardian (weekend edition) was full to the brim with reading material, and so a paper should be at £1.60 a go. But, as with many things in this world, it is quality, not quantity, that I want with News, so how did the Guardian fare?
Good.
The free guide to dating was, well, we'll leave that. Although, there were two highlights:
1. It featured an article by "legendary Agony Aunt Claire Raynor". Who?
2. The pun experts were out and had come up with an zinger for a statistics column; Raw Dater.
The paper, as you would expect, was full of Obama. One article was simply a list of what he had done for each hour of his first hundred in office. My favourite hour was:
Hour 71: Back to the gym for likely work out.
(Perhaps they need heed my advice, is that worth the paper it was printed on?)
The most amazing article, both in content and how that content ended up on page 3 (it's not the Sun don't get your hopes up), was the page spread entitled "From ice-cream to cognac, advertisers try to hijack the magic of the Obama brand"
Enough said.
Good.
The free guide to dating was, well, we'll leave that. Although, there were two highlights:
1. It featured an article by "legendary Agony Aunt Claire Raynor". Who?
2. The pun experts were out and had come up with an zinger for a statistics column; Raw Dater.
The paper, as you would expect, was full of Obama. One article was simply a list of what he had done for each hour of his first hundred in office. My favourite hour was:
Hour 71: Back to the gym for likely work out.
(Perhaps they need heed my advice, is that worth the paper it was printed on?)
The most amazing article, both in content and how that content ended up on page 3 (it's not the Sun don't get your hopes up), was the page spread entitled "From ice-cream to cognac, advertisers try to hijack the magic of the Obama brand"
Enough said.
Friday 23 January 2009
That Peter Crouch...
"He must go and sleep in a grow bag, that boy, mustn't he eh?"
This is the sort of material Jim Davidson is capable of delivering during his sidesplitting, hair curling, knee-jerk comedy routines. Other great lines included "My legs look like a f*cking negative of Gandhi's legs alright?", and "F*cking Argentinians, worse than Pakis". Now, I know his humour may not be to everyone's taste, but I for one really think it's a shame that he's no longer welcome on our stages to show us what human beings are capable of in cognitive thought, reasoning and philosophy.
He's still soldiering on though, and it turns out that really the only people that seem to go for his unique brand of comedy are those in the armed forces; as testified by videos on YouTube. It's slightly worrying that those who are supposed to be ambassadors in foreign countries (if they're not maiming and slaughtering) would applaud the assertion that Phillipino women are "Little f*cking machines fuelled by rice".
Not only does he have some great social commentary on race issues such as those above, but his post-feminist views on sexuality are also eye-opening, and not the least bit crude, infantile or downright vulgar.
Still, for an alocholic wife-beater he's not doing too badly...
(Disclaimer: The above prose is laced with a potent blend of irony and fact, and should be treated as such. Artizan Quarter in no way align themselves with the beliefs, assertions or intentions of Jim Davidson.)
This is the sort of material Jim Davidson is capable of delivering during his sidesplitting, hair curling, knee-jerk comedy routines. Other great lines included "My legs look like a f*cking negative of Gandhi's legs alright?", and "F*cking Argentinians, worse than Pakis". Now, I know his humour may not be to everyone's taste, but I for one really think it's a shame that he's no longer welcome on our stages to show us what human beings are capable of in cognitive thought, reasoning and philosophy.
He's still soldiering on though, and it turns out that really the only people that seem to go for his unique brand of comedy are those in the armed forces; as testified by videos on YouTube. It's slightly worrying that those who are supposed to be ambassadors in foreign countries (if they're not maiming and slaughtering) would applaud the assertion that Phillipino women are "Little f*cking machines fuelled by rice".
Not only does he have some great social commentary on race issues such as those above, but his post-feminist views on sexuality are also eye-opening, and not the least bit crude, infantile or downright vulgar.
Still, for an alocholic wife-beater he's not doing too badly...
(Disclaimer: The above prose is laced with a potent blend of irony and fact, and should be treated as such. Artizan Quarter in no way align themselves with the beliefs, assertions or intentions of Jim Davidson.)
Wednesday 21 January 2009
Tigers: They're Grreeeeat.
Of an evening, select members of Artizan Quarter may often huddle round a Laptop screen and watch videos of their favourite predators on YouTube. Isaac struggles to choose a favourite, whilst Pete will often opt for a Bear; I personally am a big fan of the Tiger and its work.
Upon doing some research on Tigers (I recommend you do too), I discovered that of all the Cats, the Tiger kills the most humans. Instances are reckoned to be about as numerous as the killcount of Grizzly bears, but it is thought that bears will often kill humans just because they don't like them, rather than as prey. In a lot of cases, Tigers prey on humans as they are elderly or injured and humans represent a relatively easy source of food. Fair play.
One such incident which did not work out in quite the same way occured at a Zoo in India, 5 days before Christmas, 2007. A feller 'vaulted' over the barriers to get closer to the tiger enclosure in order to take a picture. Generally, barriers are there for a reason, and as such, attention should thus be paid to them. Unfortunately for this guy, a Tiger bit off his hand and then proceeded to maul him to death.
A rather too clear message; should have forked out just that little extra for the telescopic lens...
And the real kicker is that he was taking the shots with his mobile phone camera. Those photos were good to neither man nor beast.
Upon doing some research on Tigers (I recommend you do too), I discovered that of all the Cats, the Tiger kills the most humans. Instances are reckoned to be about as numerous as the killcount of Grizzly bears, but it is thought that bears will often kill humans just because they don't like them, rather than as prey. In a lot of cases, Tigers prey on humans as they are elderly or injured and humans represent a relatively easy source of food. Fair play.
One such incident which did not work out in quite the same way occured at a Zoo in India, 5 days before Christmas, 2007. A feller 'vaulted' over the barriers to get closer to the tiger enclosure in order to take a picture. Generally, barriers are there for a reason, and as such, attention should thus be paid to them. Unfortunately for this guy, a Tiger bit off his hand and then proceeded to maul him to death.
A rather too clear message; should have forked out just that little extra for the telescopic lens...
And the real kicker is that he was taking the shots with his mobile phone camera. Those photos were good to neither man nor beast.
Monday 19 January 2009
Saturday 17 January 2009
I ran away...
for a day, to Bristol's Cabot Circus. And I know what you're thinking, but it's actually a retail complex, my center of gravity is way too high to be an efficient tight-rope walker.
The shopping center, completed in September 2008, costing £500 million and providing 1,500,000 sq/ft of floor space, was a nice place to shop. However I did find a few bad points, these are as follows (and in no particular order, I am basically having a rant):
Food - Some would say, as I thought I would, that having no fast food chains in the mall is a good thing, and yes, I think it is, but to have them all replaced by either Costa Coffee, Starbucks or Pret-a-Manger is a bit of a joke. I needed cheap food, they couldn't provide it, don't go if you're hungry!
The Roof - Now call me sentimental, but everytime I enter the Great Hall, in the British Museum, I am in awe. The roof is amazing. So when I first set foot inside Cabot Circus, looked up, and saw the same roof (all be it on a smaller scale) I was secretly very angry. I know it looks good mate, I've seen it, just come up with something else.
Protests - War is never a good thing, people die, and walking through Cabot Circus today, the message was the same. Thousands die in Gaza.
I admire the heart of these protestors, I don't think I care enough to actively try and stop wars, (still she didn't have to be such a bitch when I asked for a flyer - no people skills) but at the time I felt their energy was being wasted, or perhaps focused in the wrong direction; to put it another way: I don't think stopping people enter a branch of Bodyshop in Bristol is the way to put an end to the conflict.
Clearly I didn't realise how popular Bodyshop is, because when I got home I saw this.
The shopping center, completed in September 2008, costing £500 million and providing 1,500,000 sq/ft of floor space, was a nice place to shop. However I did find a few bad points, these are as follows (and in no particular order, I am basically having a rant):
Food - Some would say, as I thought I would, that having no fast food chains in the mall is a good thing, and yes, I think it is, but to have them all replaced by either Costa Coffee, Starbucks or Pret-a-Manger is a bit of a joke. I needed cheap food, they couldn't provide it, don't go if you're hungry!
The Roof - Now call me sentimental, but everytime I enter the Great Hall, in the British Museum, I am in awe. The roof is amazing. So when I first set foot inside Cabot Circus, looked up, and saw the same roof (all be it on a smaller scale) I was secretly very angry. I know it looks good mate, I've seen it, just come up with something else.
Protests - War is never a good thing, people die, and walking through Cabot Circus today, the message was the same. Thousands die in Gaza.
I admire the heart of these protestors, I don't think I care enough to actively try and stop wars, (still she didn't have to be such a bitch when I asked for a flyer - no people skills) but at the time I felt their energy was being wasted, or perhaps focused in the wrong direction; to put it another way: I don't think stopping people enter a branch of Bodyshop in Bristol is the way to put an end to the conflict.
Clearly I didn't realise how popular Bodyshop is, because when I got home I saw this.
Look for the Hair necessities...
The human is a member of the species Homo Sapien - translated from Latin meaning Wise or Knowing human. The Neolithic stage saw the advent of agriculture, prior to which most humans lived as hunter gatherers. These hunter-gatherers snacked on fruits, mushrooms, larvae and molluscs, as well as wild game.
What intrigues me is that at some point in our development, the diet of our hair became more nutritious than that of which our mouths were to partake. Honestly, I'm sure that the amount of Vitamins and Minerals that are supposedly in Pantene Pro-V would easily equal or surpass my intake thereof.
And onto a more startling revelation, not only are they putting fruit in our shampoo (not just Raspberries and Strawberries, but Kiwis and Pink Grapefruit?), but in my bathroom I see a Yoghurt and Strawberry Shampoo and Conditioner range. Courtesy of Schwartzkopf. Now I'm all for sleek and shiny hair, but who was the first to suggest "You know what I think people want in their hair? Yoghurt." And who was the company executive who went along with it? Even more surprising; people are buying the stuff.
Keep the yoghurt in the fridge, not the bathroom.
What intrigues me is that at some point in our development, the diet of our hair became more nutritious than that of which our mouths were to partake. Honestly, I'm sure that the amount of Vitamins and Minerals that are supposedly in Pantene Pro-V would easily equal or surpass my intake thereof.
And onto a more startling revelation, not only are they putting fruit in our shampoo (not just Raspberries and Strawberries, but Kiwis and Pink Grapefruit?), but in my bathroom I see a Yoghurt and Strawberry Shampoo and Conditioner range. Courtesy of Schwartzkopf. Now I'm all for sleek and shiny hair, but who was the first to suggest "You know what I think people want in their hair? Yoghurt." And who was the company executive who went along with it? Even more surprising; people are buying the stuff.
Keep the yoghurt in the fridge, not the bathroom.
Sunday 11 January 2009
When I get that feeling, I want Sexual Healing...
I was treated to an audio-visual feast courtesy of BBC iPlayer last week. Program: Panorama. Running Time: 30 minutes. Presenter: Jeremy Vine. Opinion: Brilliant.
Our schools are rife with a rather new phenomenon that has not manifest itself until this generation. Kids are running around, calling eachother 'Gay' and 'Slut', grabbing eachother in the playground and only god (or teachers) knows what else. Experts have coined the phrase "Sexual Bullying" to describe the problem, and are pointing to Britney Spears' scantily clad moaning as the root of this catastrophic change of behavioural habits amongst children.
Not wanting to be a damp squib here, but I'm fairly sure that kids have been calling eachother 'Gay' and prodding and poking one another since we emerged from primordial soup. Now of course, if real abuse occurs, then this is definitely a problem, and child abuse is never funny, not even on this blog. Having said that, to label childish name-calling as sexual abuse is to turn one's back on the years of all childhood fun.
If calling a child gay is sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If calling a 13 year old girl a slut is inappropriate and sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If grabbing a cohort by the dick and balls and hanging on for dear life as he runs around the playground screaming is sexual bullying, again I say, I'm guilty.
Our schools are rife with a rather new phenomenon that has not manifest itself until this generation. Kids are running around, calling eachother 'Gay' and 'Slut', grabbing eachother in the playground and only god (or teachers) knows what else. Experts have coined the phrase "Sexual Bullying" to describe the problem, and are pointing to Britney Spears' scantily clad moaning as the root of this catastrophic change of behavioural habits amongst children.
Not wanting to be a damp squib here, but I'm fairly sure that kids have been calling eachother 'Gay' and prodding and poking one another since we emerged from primordial soup. Now of course, if real abuse occurs, then this is definitely a problem, and child abuse is never funny, not even on this blog. Having said that, to label childish name-calling as sexual abuse is to turn one's back on the years of all childhood fun.
If calling a child gay is sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If calling a 13 year old girl a slut is inappropriate and sexual bullying, then I'm guilty. If grabbing a cohort by the dick and balls and hanging on for dear life as he runs around the playground screaming is sexual bullying, again I say, I'm guilty.
Thursday 8 January 2009
The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one...
Yet still they crash into our energy saving structures...
That's right, the nation was rocked by the news that a UFO had crashed into a wind turbine. The question everyone is asking is "What are they (aliens) expecting to find in Lincolnshire?". At least start somewhere interesting, then visit Lincoln on the way back from, say, the pyramids or Canary Wharf. But crashing into a wind turbine located in a small settlement by the A1031 road? What a way to go.
Of course, this was not actually a UFO strike, as some Turkey farmers and townsfolk have suggested, rather, the bright lights in the sky were from some fireworks, and the falling turbine blade is yet to be explained.
My concern is focussed more towards the fact that turbine blades are falling from the sky. Not only this, but it is reported to happen up to 6 times a year (according to one source). 6 times a year? I would have thought turbine blades falling from the sky would have been the sort of technical fault that would have been ironed out in the prototype stage.
Let's be clear, I'm all for saving the planet and that; I've got a re-usable shopping bag for one thing. But imagine the conversation:
"Umm hi, is this the county council?"
"Yes it is, how can I help you?"
"Well the problem is a wind turbine has fallen from the sky and crushed my six year old daughter."
"Killed your what?"
"My six year old daughter. Dead."
"Well turbines have been known to fall off, up to 6 times a year according to some sources."
"Oh, so you already knew about the problem?"
"In a way, yes, but thanks for calling."
"Sorry for wasting your time then, bye!"
And the moral of the story is: Make sure wind turbines don't fall apart before you plan to solve the world energy crisis with them.
That's right, the nation was rocked by the news that a UFO had crashed into a wind turbine. The question everyone is asking is "What are they (aliens) expecting to find in Lincolnshire?". At least start somewhere interesting, then visit Lincoln on the way back from, say, the pyramids or Canary Wharf. But crashing into a wind turbine located in a small settlement by the A1031 road? What a way to go.
Of course, this was not actually a UFO strike, as some Turkey farmers and townsfolk have suggested, rather, the bright lights in the sky were from some fireworks, and the falling turbine blade is yet to be explained.
My concern is focussed more towards the fact that turbine blades are falling from the sky. Not only this, but it is reported to happen up to 6 times a year (according to one source). 6 times a year? I would have thought turbine blades falling from the sky would have been the sort of technical fault that would have been ironed out in the prototype stage.
Let's be clear, I'm all for saving the planet and that; I've got a re-usable shopping bag for one thing. But imagine the conversation:
"Umm hi, is this the county council?"
"Yes it is, how can I help you?"
"Well the problem is a wind turbine has fallen from the sky and crushed my six year old daughter."
"Killed your what?"
"My six year old daughter. Dead."
"Well turbines have been known to fall off, up to 6 times a year according to some sources."
"Oh, so you already knew about the problem?"
"In a way, yes, but thanks for calling."
"Sorry for wasting your time then, bye!"
And the moral of the story is: Make sure wind turbines don't fall apart before you plan to solve the world energy crisis with them.
Wednesday 7 January 2009
Monday 5 January 2009
Animal vs Man
Over this last week (the first of 2009), I have seen man and beast cross each other twice, all from the comfort of my bed.
The first video came from iplayer in the form of Natural World: Great White Shark - A Living Legend. This show was not great. In fact, at times, it was very boring. The main argument I have against the show is that it seemed to be more focused on the 'presenter' (in this case Mike Rutzen) than on the animal. And, a creature as impressive as the Great White Shark (or Tommy Shark as they refer to it) deserves our full attention.
The show was based around Mike getting in the sea with the Great Whites and interacting with them. Most of his time with the sharks, as you can probably guess, was spent trying not to get eaten by them. By changing his posture and position in the water he believed he could use his body language to communicate with the shark, employing such techniques as to dive below the shark, which they see as a dominant position. Of course, the show ended with Rutzen still in one piece, having managed to achieve his goal: to watch a shark attack a seal (all be it a fake one dragged behind his boat) from underneath.
The second video I watched was on Youtube and was based on much the same principal, if you swap Shark for Lion, and athletic-diver for fat-man-with-a-cap-beard-and-ponytail. I found this video much more entertaining, and at only 9:22mins in length, the exctiement:boredom ratio was verging on 1:0.
Although these events have provided some brilliant footage, these two men should perhaps ask themselves, should I really be doing this? When was the last time anyone saw this man?
John's Humidity Reading 6th Jan 2009
72%.
Pete's Top Tip no3.
If your ear starts to itch, forget rubbing it, just pull the lobe outwards at an angle parallel to the floor. Give it a good tug and the itching should cease.
The first video came from iplayer in the form of Natural World: Great White Shark - A Living Legend. This show was not great. In fact, at times, it was very boring. The main argument I have against the show is that it seemed to be more focused on the 'presenter' (in this case Mike Rutzen) than on the animal. And, a creature as impressive as the Great White Shark (or Tommy Shark as they refer to it) deserves our full attention.
The show was based around Mike getting in the sea with the Great Whites and interacting with them. Most of his time with the sharks, as you can probably guess, was spent trying not to get eaten by them. By changing his posture and position in the water he believed he could use his body language to communicate with the shark, employing such techniques as to dive below the shark, which they see as a dominant position. Of course, the show ended with Rutzen still in one piece, having managed to achieve his goal: to watch a shark attack a seal (all be it a fake one dragged behind his boat) from underneath.
The second video I watched was on Youtube and was based on much the same principal, if you swap Shark for Lion, and athletic-diver for fat-man-with-a-cap-beard-and-ponytail. I found this video much more entertaining, and at only 9:22mins in length, the exctiement:boredom ratio was verging on 1:0.
Although these events have provided some brilliant footage, these two men should perhaps ask themselves, should I really be doing this? When was the last time anyone saw this man?
John's Humidity Reading 6th Jan 2009
72%.
Pete's Top Tip no3.
If your ear starts to itch, forget rubbing it, just pull the lobe outwards at an angle parallel to the floor. Give it a good tug and the itching should cease.
Saturday 3 January 2009
Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'...
It's the new year, and as such, a clean slate. The world has renewed itself as an oyster; as a selection box from which to take your chocolate; a sweet shop where you can buy anything you want, for less than a quid. In other words, it's time to make some decisions about how you're going to feel about this year, how you're going to deal with issues, and how you're going to view the world.
Remember, a wise scholar once wrote "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". Has this saying ever been truer? Probably.
Anyway, since it's a new year I want to address what I think is a pressing matter, a hot potato and a current affair all rolled into one.
Marmite Squeezy.
According to the website "countless numbers of you....got in touch...asking for a squeezy version".
I've got two things to say about this.
1) Who are these people writing into Marmite asking for Squeezy packaging. And by countless do Marmite actually mean literally no people wrote in asking for it?
2) Squeezy Marmite is abismal. It's worse than Jade Goody. I'd sooner see Evan Almighty than choose Squeezy Marmite over the regular jar...In fact I'd go as far to say I'd choose a non-brand marmite imitation rather than that Squeezable rubbish.
Happy New year. Let's hope they don't make Squeezy Hovis Best of Both loaves.
Remember, a wise scholar once wrote "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush". Has this saying ever been truer? Probably.
Anyway, since it's a new year I want to address what I think is a pressing matter, a hot potato and a current affair all rolled into one.
Marmite Squeezy.
According to the website "countless numbers of you....got in touch...asking for a squeezy version".
I've got two things to say about this.
1) Who are these people writing into Marmite asking for Squeezy packaging. And by countless do Marmite actually mean literally no people wrote in asking for it?
2) Squeezy Marmite is abismal. It's worse than Jade Goody. I'd sooner see Evan Almighty than choose Squeezy Marmite over the regular jar...In fact I'd go as far to say I'd choose a non-brand marmite imitation rather than that Squeezable rubbish.
Happy New year. Let's hope they don't make Squeezy Hovis Best of Both loaves.
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